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The Way of Love for the Lord
Chapter 41. A ball radiating rays of red light descended upon me. From the time when I became a catechumen in 1980, I had been working as a volunteer for the charismatic movement, and there had been some occasions when I'd had to pray for other people.* Each time I prayed for someone, I would pray like this. “Lord! I am just an unworthy sinner who can do nothing. So come to me personally, kindle the fire of love in me and work a miracle of love, so that I can manifest Your glory. If this person could be healed through my suffering, I would suffer pain in his place.” If anybody could be healed of his illness through my suffering regardless of whether it was spiritual or physical one, I considered it a joy to suffer pain on his behalf. Every time I prayed for this intention, I tried to pray in my heart so that nobody could hear my prayer. But sometimes I prayed in a loud voice in spite of myself. The other volunteers, who happened to hear my prayer against my will, had many different opinions among them on if the contents of my prayer were right. Some of them reprimanded me, saying, “Who on earth are you to say that you will suffer pain on behalf of other people? That remark is from your pride. Why would you receive their pain? It is not you but the Lord who ought to suffer their pain. Don’t make me laugh.” Until then I had live a life of wishing that others would be in peace even if I was subjected to an uncomfortable situation because of them. I thought that the volunteers should not be distracted by my deed even if it was a just one. Regardless of what they said about me, I could readily accept their criticisms, thinking that all were my fault. The only thing that broke my heart was the possibility that they might be committing the sin of rash judgment because of me. I could not understand why they thought that it was Jesus who ought to receive pain. As I was confused about this, I asked some leaders, priests, and religious for advice, but there was no one that gave me a clear answer. I was in the midst of conflict, because when I prayed to the Lord that I would suffer pain on behalf of other people, He did not poke me in that particular part of my body.** Rather He said to me, “Go forward.” Before, when I tried to do something that did not conform to His will, He used to poke me there, causing me pain as if being pricked by a needle. So I thought to myself, ‘If my prayer had not conformed to the Lord’s will, He would have poked me as if I was being pricked with a needle, but He did not do it. My prayer might not have been against His will.’ I was also pondering on if I was proud as they said. A few days later, I attended a three-day charismatic retreat. A woman named Maria Lee took part in the retreat together with me. She was always the first to come into the retreat place and she reserved two front seats for both of us. She waited for me to arrive before leading me to the seats. The front seats were usually reserved for the disabled, but as this retreat was held especially for the volunteers for the charismatic movement, I was able to have a front seat thanks to her. I wanted to receive a direct reply from the Lord on whether I was right or arrogant in asking the Lord for sufferings, because the other volunteers told me that I was proud. I did not receive a reply from the Lord even on the third day of the retreat. I was anxious and prayed, “Lord! You said, 'Whoever follows Me will not walk in darkness but will have the light of life.' So, help me not to wander in darkness but live only in Your light so that I may accomplish Your will.” As soon as my prayer ended, I felt hot above my head. I was so startled at it that I looked up and saw three balls floating above; each radiating rays of red, yellow, and blue just like traffic lights. I prayed again, “O Jesus! What are those? If my prayer is right, please send down the ball of red light upon me.” Then the ball radiating rays of red light came into my chest with lightning speed. It was so hot that I let out a scream unintentionally. Maria Lee who was sitting right beside me spoke to me, “Julia, congratulations!” Surprised, I asked her, “Did you see it?” She replied, “Yes, I saw it too.” I asked her again, “The ball with red light was as red as blood, wasn’t it?” She replied, “Red light? I saw the light of mercy coming down upon you.” I asked her again, “Where did you see it come from?” She said, “I saw the white and red light coming out of the chest of Jesus who was on the front altar. I also prepared myself to receive the light by stretching out my arms, but not even a little of the luminous light came to me. Instead, all the rays entered only your chest.” I was astonished to hear what she said. Through her words, the Lord confirmed again that the ball of red light as well as the light of mercy had come into my chest. Then I made a firm resolution that I would, with complete trust, follow the Lord who is the way, the truth, and the life, regardless of what anybody might say. “O my Lord! I am truly grateful to You. Lead me and rule over me so that all the work that I, a sinner, do for Your sake may conform to Your will.” “My little soul who declines what is sweet and instead wants to drink the bitter chalice! Among those huge crowds of people running towards Me in misguided spirituality and hypocrisy, you, as a simple soul, give Me joy all the time. That is why you are My little soul. Looking at you, My eyes are filled with joy to the extent of forgetting all the sins of the world.” * Mr. Paul Lee, president of the charismatic movement, recognized her special charisma of the Holy Spirit. ** Refer to chapter 4
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